Wow. September 11th today. I was in fifth grade on the day it happened.

A few spaces of silence:

Time goes by so quickly. Sometimes I wonder -- did this change really anything in the hearts of the American people? Anything postitive? I dont' even know.

Rewind a few Tuesdays back:

I was at an amusement park with a group of marching band people from my college (we were there for some sort of parade in the evening but came at noon so we could have some time in the park). We decided to go on a ride called The Phantom's Revenge... Oohhh, chilling! Well, actually, I had never been on a legit roller coaster like the legendary Millenium Force at Cedar Point. I had been on the Screaming Hulk when I went to Universal Studios, also on a marching band trip, but it was of the smaller scale. And even during that I randomly got a foot cramp on the Hulk, so I didn't enjoy the ride much on account of the cramping pain in my foot. -_- Anyways, so yeah, never have I been on a hardcore rollercoaster, until now. It was intense, too. You know how before going on the ride, you observe the screaming people experiencing it, the twists, turns and tumbles, the falls and the rises the coasting and the rolling, everything. Well, The Phantom was pretty legit. The first drop right out of the chute was quite huge, too. And it's always the unnerving wait as the coaster clatters to the climax... up, up, up... up... just a little closer... Oh, snap...!

It was during this time that I turned to my friend, thinking I suddenly didn't want to be on the side anymore.

"I am terrified," I said, half whispering, kind of smiling at the same time and knowing that it was too late to get off the ride anyway. Besides, I had waited all that time in line, and then this little chunk of time on the ride, of waiting for the fun to hit. I was trapped.

Aaaand... I could see the front end of the train begin to dip down over the arch of the drop... Ohhh crap.

Fast forward a few Wednesdays after:

I was in my Foundations of Education class, it was the second day of class, only the second. As of now and during that time, I knew I had not pre-declared the secondary ed part of my major, English. I had just dubbed English as my major, because I knew I loved it. Now, of course, my mother had asked me, "So... what are you going to do with that, [Meadow]? Teach?" Mmm, maybe, but I want to make sure I keep my opitions open so I don't miss any opprotunity out there. Besides, teaching was obvious. When I told people that I was majoring in English, they asked, "Ohhh are you going to be a teacher?" Wow, did I say I was majoring in English secondary ed!?!? No. But that's what they think.

Despite my caution to just declare the secondary-ed part with my intended major, I still took an education class. I didn't know what to expect...

The professor is an amazing, strong Christian man. He's taught in pretty much every teaching situation, and with a huge variety of students and kids from all backgrounds. He said while he was teaching at this innercity school, he felt like God called him back to train future teachers who would build and raise up kids, inspire rather than tear down. Pretty huge. But he was serious about it. He's also a funny guy and knows how to be lighthearted, but when it comes to laying down the teaching profession, he knows what he's talking about. For participation points, he requires us to get involved in minitries, dealing with people who aren't as intelligent or gifted as us, the undesireables, the unlovables, because Jesus, the Master Teacher, as he pointed out, did just that. Jesus did not hold back. He touched the lepor, felt no fear of the demon-possessed, no regungance towards the adulterous woman, no disdain towards the tax collector. He invited and taught them all.

Anyways, there were other things here and there, but all in all I was overwhelmed. I was terrified. I was coming into this class not even sure I wanted to be a teacher, despite that many had told me they could definitely see that potential. The other thing was...being a English secondary ed major, one's college academic schedule would be full with little electives to chose, little room for flexibility. So it's nothing that one could just... randomly do. One would have to be serious and certain of teaching.

But it's not only this. I was talking with a friend who said she could never be a emergency doctor or surgeon because she couldn't deal with the knowledge that people's lives would be in her hands. And that was the same way with teaching in a way. Teachers can make and break. They have large influences -- negative or positive. They can destroy and tear down. They effect lives all the time. One comment from a teacher could be the difference between  feeling horrible or amazing, between trying this or doing that. Plus, parents are essentially entrusting their childrens' lives into your hands, as a teacher.

Yeah, no pressure.

So as for me being a teacher: I am terrified. Overwhelmed. I hope this class will be a good indicator of whether or not I should be one. But it's not a matter if I should, but if God's calling me to do that. And feeling unworthy or having no confidence isn't an excuse either. God has a knack for picking out the unworthy to do His work -- Moses and his speech impediment and identity, David, a shepard boy to be a king, Rahab, a prostitute to hide the Israelite spies, a bunch of fisherman for disciples... the list goes on.

So ... if this is God's calling on my life: Ohh, snap...! O_O

In terms of school it'll be a lot of work, and after that a lot of work to get a good follow up, lesson plans, etc to know what you're doing. Even then, it's a challenge everyday. That is what one of my former teachers told me when I met with her for coffee once, you know just to see how it was on the other side of the desk... there's always a lot more than you see, even with an inside scoop interview.

But I do know something else, despite all this overwhelming mess:

When the rollercoaster dropped down in the first spiraling fall, zooming, plunging, twisting turning, feeling the pure adrenaline rush of hardcore centrifugal forces... it was thrilling, scary and fun all at the same time. But mostly fun. And when I got off the coaster, I had a smile on my face, and though a bit dizzy, was glad I got passed my ephemeral fear and stayed on for the ride. So if this is the ride God has me on, I won't get off. Because whatever it is, teaching or not, it'll be scary, amazing, thrilling... and so much more.